BCODERS: Computer jokes

1. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

2. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

3. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

4. Why computers are like men:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

5. A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says “Can I join you”?

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
C://dos
C://dos.run
run.dos.run
You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
Unrecognized input, get out of the class
Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:\> hack into fbi"
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
I survived an NT installation
The name is Baud......James Baud
My new car runs at 56Kbps
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
RAM disk is not an installation procedure
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
The truth is out there...anybody got the URL?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press every key to continue
Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
(001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Computers can never replace human stupidity
A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
Bugs come in through open Windows
Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
To err is human...to really foul up requires the root password.
Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
Black holes are where God divided by zero
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Thank god, my baby just compiled
Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
Zap! And there was the blue screen !
Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
Shut up, or i'll flush you out
Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal
You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
Having soundcards is nice... having embedded sound in web pages is not
My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
What color do you want that database?
C++ is a write-only language. I can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can
A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
Quake and uptime do not like each other
Unix...best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria -- Final Fantasy VIII
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
God is real, unless declared integer
I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
I had a dream... and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void