Best Programming Jokes

1. A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!” 

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.” 

 

2. A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp.  He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.  “I am the most powerful genie in the world.  I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”  The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.” 
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know.  Those people have been fighting for millenia.  I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” 
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users.  Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

3. Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

 

4. Why computers are like men:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers are like women:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

5. A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says “Can I join you”?